Help! Terrible Twos and Nephew

[geekmama]

 Three generations of my family live in one house together - grandmother, mother and me -  but my nephew also lives with us as well as my partner. The nephew will be two in August and we're entering the terrible two stage. I've googled to try and help find ways of dealing with this because I spend a lot of time caring for my nephew myself but the google machine isn't telling me anything I don't already know - have a routine schedule and stick to it, use time outs effectively (ours in a special chair with the tv turned off in the living room and one minute per year of age) and ignore temper tantrums. We do all of these things but it doesn't seem to be helping.

Examples of what nephew does:

• Hits and kicks members of the family but normally not in connection with not getting his way
• Screams when he doesn't get his way but doesn't throw himself into full on temper tantrum
• Full on temper tantrum (only happened once so far)
• Hits my grandmother's knee that she just had knee replacement surgery on in what I feel is a deliberate manner and laughs when she cries
• When put into time out he will ignore me or my grandmother and get up to go play (or throw things at whoever is closest, kick people.. ) but when my partner puts him into time out he'll stay

What I do when this happens:

• I will catch hold of the offending hand or foot, reiterate that we do not kick or hit people and tell him that if it happens again he'll go into time out with a prompt and immediate time out if he hits or kicks when I let go of him.
• Put two fingers over his mouth (without blocking his nose for breathing) and tell him that we do not scream and that if he wants something he must ask for it, including a please and thank you.
• Walk away without a backward glance but try to make sure someone can see him out of the corner of their eye so we can make sure he doesn't hurt himself
• Immediate time out and then apology to grandma followed by an explanation of why we can't touch grandma's knee right now.
• Worry that this is setting a bad example for him and that he's learning that it's okay to ignore grandma and myself as my partner seems to have the authority instead of us.

My grandmother and I discipline my nephew in the same manner and consistently but my mother is often lazy about her attempts and my sister's approach is to scream at and threaten him. ( My sister does not live with us and does not see her son on a regular basis. ) So I understand that he has conflicting messages when it comes to who is right and who has authority. I've tried talking to my mom about my concern that we're not all on the same page but she dismisses me because she's raised four kids and I'm only pregnant with my first. The same goes with my sister - it's her kid and she'll do whatever she wants and I know nothing because I haven't squeezed mine out yet.

Is there anything I can do to help with the situation besides what I'm already doing, especially with the last point about my partner?

Comments

[naughty]

Responses like your mothers bothers me, because she's dismissing the fact that each child is different, and has different needs, especially when it comes to discipline.

Does your partner discipline him the same way as you? You didn't specify, but I'm assuming your partner is male, so if so, maybe your nephew is responding to the male influence? Given your nephew's age, there's not much you do can do, conversation-wise with him, but it would probably be better if your mother could get on the same page as you. It's about your nephew and his needs, not your mother's parenting skills.

Maybe your partner could try talking to your nephew to let him know that he has to do what you and the others say?

[geekmama]

I had thought that it might have something to deal with my partner being male and he is the only guy in the house on a consistent basis. My mother isn't married and my grandmother is a widow. My sister switches boyfriends so often that they don't really get a chance to become a major influence but my partner and I have been together since before my nephew was born.

I've tried talking to my mother about it on several different occasions but I always run into the same attitude therefore I'm just doing the best I can to be a positive influence as an aunt. I'll try that idea and have CZ talk to him about it.

[seka]

My mother used to be like that with my son. I had to show her just what she was doing by not following how we discipline him and just letting him get away with everything. Took awhile, but we're finally on the same page.

As for what you're doing - you're doing all the right things. I don't know situations but it sounds to me like he's very confused and maybe wanting more attention and going at it the wrong way. Kids tend to take out their issues in a form of anger. So maybe try talking to him. My son is 2 also and some stuff he does understand while others he doesn't.

Good luck!